My husband is currently in the middle of a new “phase”- falling asleep on the couch.
Now, it’s not the falling asleep part that’s new.
I’ve known for quite some time now that that’s not just Dan’s talent- it’s his spiritual gift.
Just the other night, I was telling him a story while we were lying in bed. He responded with an “Uh-huh” and five seconds later- I counted!- was snoring.
No, falling asleep on the couch or any other strange place is nothing new for him. The new part is that he wants ME to fall asleep on the couch, too.
Over the past 25 years, I’ve developed an optimal sleeping environment for myself. I consider myself solar powered. Once the sun goes down, I’m ready for bed. And, any amount of light that seeps into my room wakes my up. One of my pet peeves, in fact, was when a certain unnamed younger brother- ahem- would leave the hall light on after he went to bed, forcing ME to get up and turn it off. In addition to blocking out light, my prime sleeping environment blocks out all sound. I recall not a few nights in my childhood when I would wake up from a sound sleep because certain unnamed younger brother and sisters- ahem- would have fallen asleep listening to Radio Disney or The Chronicles of Narnia. I would tiptoe across their creaky bedroom floors and gradually lower the volume, praying that wouldn’t wake up.
Now, I didn’t get my own bedroom until I was 18. As the oldest child in the house, I was given the choice of which bedroom I wanted. Naturally, I picked the one with the most light... and the bird’s nest in the wall.
That was a stupid choice!
If I wanted to sleep past 5am on any given morning, I was going to have to take drastic measures.
And I did…
I developed a strategy for turning my bed into a cocoon- covers pulled up over my head to block out the light, and a tiny breathing hole crafted off to one side where I could breathe in fresh air. As for the sound of the birds or those darn garbage trucks, that was a more difficult problem. It required sacrifice. On chilly autumn mornings, I desperately turned on the one machine that could overpower the outside noises- my air conditioner. And I threw another layer on the cocoon.
Learning to sleep with another person, I hear, is a difficult task. Especially for someone like me, who has taken a quarter century to perfect my optimal sleeping environment.
Learning to sleep with Dan is another story. He’s not just any old person. He’s special.
First, he bought a projection clock. If you haven’t even seen one of those, it basically projects a digital image of the time onto your ceiling or wall. For days after Dan bought his prized clock, he would lie in bed and lovingly ask, “Honey, isn’t it so cool?!”
Well, Honey didn’t think it was so cool! Honey likes it to be dark in the room when she goes to sleep. And that clock was NOT dark! In fact, one morning after Dan climbed out of bed to get ready for work, I turned the clock so it faced the floor. As I drifted back to sleep, I heard a concerned voice mumbling to himself, “Hm… I must have messed up the clock…. Gotta fix that…” And the spotlight went back up on the ceiling… and I grimaced and growled as I retreated into my trusty cocoon.
The other thing that makes it difficult to sleep with Dan is the noise factor. I once saw a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon strip where Calvin remarks that his Dad’s snoring sounds like tractor trailers downgrading on the highway.
I think of that cartoon every night.
I honestly do not know Dan’s snoring reaches such decibels. But I’m finally thankful that he insisted on having a king size bed. Because, in those moments I want to be as far away from the rumbling as possible.
As if the snoring weren’t enough, there are the alarm clocks… multiple alarm clocks.
I am very proud of the fact that I wake up promptly and thoroughly the first time my alarm goes off. It doesn’t even have to be loud- I can wake up to my phone alarm on vibrate! And, I don’t need a snooze button. I am able to calculate exactly how much time I need to get ready in the morning, and I prefer to sleep to the last moment possible. Apparently, not everyone is like that… Apparently some people don’t hear their alarm clocks go off… Apparently, some people need multiple alarm clocks… Apparently, some people like to set their FIRST alarm for 45 minutes before they actually want to get up, so they can appreciate, at 5-minute increments, the fact that they don’t really have to get up yet. Apparently, Dan is one of those people.
I don’t consider myself a violent person, but I have had evil thoughts lately towards a certain cell phone, 2 alarms clocks, and a wrist watch, that I’m sure I’ll need to confess pretty soon. Especially since we now have a gun in the house.
So what’s the big deal about falling asleep on the couch?
I have yet to discover what makes it so much fun for Dan… but I know what makes it so NOT fun for Jussley. First of all, Dan is a couch-hog. Fair enough, since he’s at least twice my size. But, for someone who wanted a king size bed so badly, I’m feeling a bit jipped as my rear hangs a good 6 inches off the couch. Then there’s the whole contorting my neck to fit on the pillow but not be squished by Dan’s head issue. And how about when you’re just falling asleep, but then it starts to get cold, and the blanket is just beyond your reach, and you have to get up to get it, and then you’re awake again? Inevitably I wake up somewhere in the wee hours of the morning, and decide that I’ve had enough. I’m going to bed! The real bed!
My husband clotheslines me on my way off the couch. “I’m sorry! I was trying to catch you from falling off the couch!” Oh, the couch you were pushing me off in the first place?! He sits up, looks at me, talks to me, but goes back to sleep ON THE COUCH and in the morning asks me why I didn’t wake him up to come to bed. Go figure! I turn off all the lights and calculate how much higher our energy bill has been since this fun “living room campout” phase. I despair of the dinner that we once again forgot to put in the refrigerator. No leftovers, I guess. With a defeated sigh I peel back the covers and claim the whole bed to myself, not even caring that I didn’t brush my teeth or change into pajamas… again! It’s warm. It’s dark. It’s quiet. And my rear has plenty of room.
Somewhere between real sleep and dawn, an arm reaches across me and I feel a kiss on my forehead.
I smile.
I count to five.
And the semis start downgrading on the highway again.
I roll my eyes, put my pillow over my head, and remind myself that the best soldier needs to be able to fall asleep wherever, whenever, because a few minutes rest may be all he has.
…and suddenly I don’t mind the alarm that I know will go off in two hours… because for two more hours, that soldier is mine.
