It's been a rough weekend on the homefront.
The short of it is that I desperately hoped to be able to talk to my husband this weekend. But, in Afghanistan there is no such thing as a weekend. So, yesterday after work, just when my weekend was beginning, I got an email from Dan saying he was off on a 3-day mission.
Poop! Double poop!
I am currently a geographical bachelorette, according to the Army. It's a very strange state of being. People sometimes ask me what it feels like to be in this situation, but I find it really difficult to explain. My new last name on my driver's license and my sparkly diamond rings tell me that I'm married. But, everything else feels just like it did before I got married. If I can just keep myself busy enough, I can almost forget that dull ache in the bottom of my heart that tells me that, as long as my soldier is gone, things aren't right. I ALMOST forget. But, then I'll grab my phone to text him a funny story about my day... and remember that I can't talk to him. Can't see him. Can't hug him. Can't anything him.
Some days I just want to kick and scream like an ill-tempered child. I want I want I WANT my husband to be HOME!!! And, since he can't be home, I want to be angry at SOMEONE. But, I can't do that either... there's no one to blame! It's not Dan's fault. It's not even God's fault. It just IS... and no matter what I do-no matter what I say- no matter how hard I wish- there's simply nothing I can do to make it better.
As a Christian, I know that joy in life is not dependent on my circumstances. But, what does contentment really mean? Does my defeatist attitude really count as submission? I've struggled with this question all weekend, and I don't know that I've discovered the answer yet. I'm still not pleased with this arrangement, and I still want to sit in the corner and sulk like a naughty child. But, I know I'll have no peace until I let God be God, and patiently hide in the cleft of the rock til the storm has passed. I am so blessed. Why is it so easy to forget that?
So, tonight, I'll simply say the truth- I miss you, Dan, and I would give anything just to hear you scold me for going to bed tonight without brushing my teeth. I wouldn't even mind waking up to you snoring in my ear and drooling on my head. I AM thankful that I get the covers all to myself, and that I can pick my OWN nose instead of having YOU do it for me. But, I miss you...
May God teach us all what true submission to His will is, and allow us to hear His voice through the thunder and rain.
I will never forget one night at the Prol's (I think) where you "hopped on your hobby horse" (in your own words) and told us about how happiness might go up and down but joy is constant. I never forgot it because it really struck me. :) Keep being joyful no matter what the circumstances!
ReplyDeleteUgh... I just wrote a whole mini-letter to you... and it got deleted! :( Let me try again!! :)
ReplyDeleteDear Juss, I just found your blog through a link on Joelle's profile to it... I love it! :D
I can hardly imagine what your life is like as a "bachelorette army wife!" It's gotta be crazy and downright rough. I will be getting a very tiny taste of it, Lord willing, when Curt goes to state police academy for 6 months. Very tiny, though, because he will be able to come home every weekend, so it will be much like when we were dating...
I was thinking, since I can not really relate to what you're going through, how do I comment? And yet right away I thought about how God totally does understand and can relate, so I can encourage you in Him! I wanted to share with you one of my absolute favorite verses that has encouraged me before from Isaiah 54:5. "For your Maker is your husband,the LORD of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called."
Even though you have to experience the pain of being without your earthly husband, may the comfort of His heavenly husband presence fill your heart. Isn't this amazing, that He loves us like a husband?! He really is the Friend that sticks closer than any other, and we can feel it most when we hold close to Him...
I find when trials come, He most often wants to teach me that I need to find again my complete satisfaction in Him. This is so challenging! But in Christ, God really is our bridegroom... our protector, defender, comforter, counselor, understanding one, loving one... I hope that you can find comfort often in His tender embrace as your heavenly husband! I want you to know I'm praying for you, Juss!
Much love in Christ,
Joanna Crick (aka Joanna Lipsy)
P.S. I was thinking about your question about what contentment really means... and I think you summarized it so well! Like you said, it is "letting God be God," and "hiding in the cleft of the rock." I needed to be reminded of this - thank you! He does want us to live contented lives, and we do that through day-by-day giving over the circumstances into His hands, trusting His promise to work them all out for good, and finding our everything in Him in the mean-time. How challenging! Yet with God's help, if Paul could do it, so can we! :) (Philipians 4:11)
P.S. Sorry the "mini-letter" wasn't so mini after all! ;)
ReplyDelete