Broken Wings

If you asked me to sum up in one word my deployment experience so far, it would be 'disappointing.'

For anyone in the Army, there is a constant cycle of expectation and disappointment. Dates are always written in pencil. Addresses are changing constantly. There is no choice. You hope for the best but prepare for the worst. For family of a deployed service member, that cycle is only heightened. Every day. He'll call today at lunch....but he doesn't. We'll get to Skype... but we can't. He'll finally be home on that date. But he isn't.

And every day, it's the same battle: I will be happy today... but I'm not.

Perhaps I am most disappointed because I haven't met my own expectations for myself. I thought that if I just stayed busy enough, I would feel fulfilled. If I just made a list of everything for which I am thankful, I would never be discontent. If I just willed myself to be happy, I wouldn't cry. At the beginning of this deployment, I was my own biggest cheerleader... but I'll admit that now there are days when I look out my window onto a gorgeous summer morning and pull the covers back over my head.

Some days I am my own biggest disappointment.

I was feeling rather guilty and perplexed about this one Sunday morning, when God sent me an angel. A young bride like myself asked me tentatively how I was doing. She didn't want to intrude on the privacy of my feelings or act as though she had all the answers for me. Sensing her genuine heart, I, with equal hesitancy, shared with her the sorrowful heartache hidden behind my practiced smile. I hoped with all my aching heart that she wouldn't take advantage of my vulnerability by offering a quick, cliche response.

Her tender words brought healing to my heart.

She shared with me a card that she had been given during a trial in her life more intense than any I've ever known. On the front of the card was a picture of a little girl in a ballerina tutu and fairy wings. She looked longingly out the window. The card simply said, "Be gentle with yourself... you have a broken wing."

Suddenly, another line I had read elsewhere made sense. Before Dan deployed, I read the journal of another Army wife who had "survived" her husband's deployment. She said that she had to "learn to forgive herself" when she had a bad day. I didn't understand what she meant by that when I first read it. How do you forgive yourself? Isn't that just an excuse for having a bad attitude? Aren't you supposed to deal with the tragedies life sends you with bravery and determination?

When my friend shared with me that card, I understood what that Army wife meant.

I have a broken wing.

I can't fly as fast or far these days as the other butterflies around me. It's hard for me to stop and enjoy the beautiful flowers I live among, because I'm working so hard just to stay aflight. I get tired so easily. My slow pace and constant exhaustion frustrate me. Being happy used to come so easily, and now it's one more thing I have to work hard at.

All because I have a broken wing.

One of my two awesome sisters-in-law sent me a care package recently. I was a little embarrassed that I would need a care package, as if it were some sign of weakness in me. But, on a particularly difficult day, I surrendered my feelings of pride and took out a bottle of the pink glitter nail polish I had been sent. After I donned my princess hat and laid my princess wand next to me, I took a few minutes to paint my nails. It was just a few minutes of quiet that I enjoyed. Just some hideous, chunky, glittery nail polish. Just a ridiculous princess costume. But it was enough time for me to rest my broken wing. In those few moments, I laughed again- at myself- but it was a genuine laugh! For a few minutes, I was able to enjoy the flowers around me and bask in the glory of being a beautiful butterfly.

I look around me this week, and I notice something:

A dear family gave to Jesus this week an amazingly beloved wife, mother, and grandmother. My special friend Michele is saying goodbye to her husband tomorrow as he leaves for his deployment. Another friend's joy is delayed as her husband's return has been pushed back.

Broken wings are everywhere.

It's easy to miss them when I'm concentrating so hard on my own pain. But, I am not alone. 

My dear butterfly friend, if you have a broken wing, come rest with me for a moment. Are you sad...tired...lonely...frustrated...angry...heartbroken...confused...disappointed? I invite you now to be gentle with yourself.  Borrow my princess tiara. Make a wish with my fairy wand. Take your pick of pink or purple glitter nail polish. If you need a hug, here's one. It's ok to cry. It's alright to be quiet if you'd rather not talk.

Dear butterfly, you are very special. You are working so hard to do your job and keep flying. You have a broken wing, and that's nothing to be embarrassed of. We serve a God who specializes in healing. And that makes us blessed butterflies.

Dear butterfly, you will fly again. Some day soon, you will enjoy the beautiful colors around you with a free and unburderend heart. Just like my friend who shared with me this wonderfully comforting advice. Wings grow back. You will be whole!

But for now, dear butterfly, be gentle with yourself.